From Waiting to Becoming: My Journey Out of the “When-Then” Cycle
For years, I lived in what I now call the “when-then” cycle.
When I get this job, then I’ll be happy.
When I live there, then I’ll feel at home.
When I reach this milestone, then my real life begins.
Maybe you’ve said it too.
When I ______, then I’ll be______.
It’s like a quiet bargain we make with ourselves until one day you realize you’ve been living on layaway.
My First When…
I was 15 and OBSESSED with Gilmore Girls. My mom and I – the Gorman Girls — watched it constantly. In my eyes, Lorelai had it all: the job, the car, the wardrobe, the wit, the life. I modeled my first dream life after her. I made spreadsheets and plans to study hospitality, buy a Mini Cooper, and run a boutique hotel.
That first taste of planning my “perfect life” was intoxicating. I didn't realize I was training myself to live for the next milestone instead of the current moment.
What started as innocent dreaming became a relentless chase… and I spiraled from there.
When I was 21, I wanted to backpack through Europe and start blogging. I did. But it didn’t take off like I hoped, so I chased the next. At 24, I wanted to live abroad. I moved to Scotland for my master’s, but because it wasn’t permanent, I dismissed it… and chased the next. At 27, I wanted to be nomadic. I took a fully remote job and spent a summer in the UK—yet I was too busy planning the next. At 31, I wanted to live by the coast. I spent the summer in New England, but I was already dreaming up the next “dream life.” When I have my veggie garden… but wait, I have a small patch at my parents’ house where I grow vegetables and flowers. Maybe my next “when” will be…When I start a YouTube channel and get back to creative writing… and here we are.
Are you tired from reading that?
Does this feel familiar?
Is this thing on….?
There’s utter exhaustion in perpetually postponing contentment — the belief that ultimate happiness is always one achievement away.
And for what it’s worth, I got my Gilmore Girls dream life in pieces. My mom and I are freakishly close. My stepdad is basically Luke (minus the cooking skills). We watch movies. We indulge in sweets. I worked in a boutique hostel on the Isle of Skye.
The dream life didn’t happen right away or exactly as I had pictured, but I still lived it. I just didn’t see it at the time.
The Breaking Point
My love of spreadsheets and planning led to a mental checklist: "When I get XYZ, I'll finally be living my dream life."
Completely forgetting that at one point, where I was right then, was the dream.
Because I was so busy chasing milestones, when I did achieve something on my dream list, I was already focused on the next "when." Or worse, I dismissed what I'd accomplished because it didn't look exactly how I'd imagined it would, so I wasn’t really living my dream life.
Perfect example: I wanted to live abroad, so I moved to Scotland for my master's degree. I was living the dream life I'd written about in an assignment for my high school English class (no really, I found the paper on an old hard drive a week before I was leaving). But because I couldn't make it work long-term, I labeled it a failure instead of celebrating that I was actually living my dream life.
I was so busy chasing the next "when" that I didn’t see that my current life was once everything I'd hoped for.
How do you break free from this “when-the” cycle?
Earlier this year, life handed me an unexpected pause, a layoff. Burnout, caregiving responsibilities, and massive change stripped away the version of me who thought the next achievement would finally make life feel real.
There is nothing like being unemployed to make you sit with yourself and work on rewiring the belief that your job defines your worth.
And here I was (after navigating the unemployment bureaucracy) with the gift of time. I could sit and ask myself: “Okay, Renée, what do you actually want next?”
Nothing wrong with the question. But when you’ve been on the hamster wheel labeled “when” and it suddenly stops, you realize the flaw: I was always chasing the next thing.
And that caused me to choke a bit…
The Waiting Room Revelation
Sitting in that stillness, something shifted. Instead of panicking about what came next, I found myself looking back - really looking back - at everything I'd accomplished.
So I decided to try something different. I went back and thought about all the dreams lifes I wanted to live.
Live abroad? Check. I lived in Scotland.
Backpack through Europe? Check.
Start a travel blog? Check. I did that.
Be nomadic? Check. I worked in Europe and New England
Have land with a garden? Check — even if it’s just a small patch at my parents’ house.
Live by the coast? Not permanent, but I visit often.
Start a YouTube channel and return to creative writing? Well… here we are.
What I realized: I had lived many of my dream lives. I’d just dismissed them because they didn’t look exactly like the version in my head — or I was already sprinting toward the next.
And how cruel that was to all the past versions of me who worked so hard to get there.
Your younger self dreamed of the life you’re living right now. Your current self deserves to inhabit it fully. Your future self will be proud that you stayed present for the becoming.
Learning to Inhabit
So I’ve decided to stop waiting. I am not rushing toward the next chapter. I’m paying attention to the one I am already living. This is my dream life — writing, gardening, time with family, traveling, and the luxury of time for creativity.
This isn’t about giving up on growth — it’s about releasing the burden of chasing it.
I don’t want to rebuild, chase, strive.
I want to inhabit, I want to step into my becoming.
This shift in perspective made me reconsider everything I thought I knew about life's timeline. What if I'd been wrong about the in-between spaces entirely?
What if this in-between space - this rebuilding, this uncertainty, this not-knowing - is actually where life happens?
The In-Between as Becoming
I used to think the in-between was empty space between “real” life chapters. Now I know it’s where the becoming happens.
The in-between is the where — the external circumstances, the life phases
The messy middle after burnout, heartbreak, layoffs
The uncertain spaces between "chapters"
The rebuilding seasons, transition periods
The times when you don't know what's next
The becoming is the what — the internal process within those spaces
The growth, learning, and self-discovery
How you evolve and remember who you are
The active process of inhabiting your life fully
The transformation from waiting to living
The in-between wasn't where I got stuck; it was where I finally came alive.
The in-between taught me about choosing presence over postponement, finding meaning in the uncertain spaces, and remembering that the life you're living right now isn't a practice round; it is your real life.
Why This Matters
I’m not saying you shouldn’t want to grow or change. I’m saying don’t miss the life you’re in while reaching for the next.
If your dream is to be a runner, you don’t wait until your first marathon to call yourself one. The moment you decide to run — even for a minute — you’re a runner.
The same is true for your dreams.
You don’t need permission to live your life fully, but if you’re looking for it, this is it. The in-between isn’t a waiting room — it’s where you grow into who you’re meant to be. Stop waiting. Start living. Right here, right now, exactly as you are.
